5 Signs You Need Money Counseling, Not Marriage Counseling
Joint account or separate accounts? Does your partner handle the finances? How couples deal with money can either bring them together or push them apart.
- (opens in new tab)
- (opens in new tab)
- (opens in new tab)
- Newsletter sign up Newsletter
Many couples blame their marriage problems on disagreements and an inability to see eye to eye. Marriage counseling is a great option for couples who need to learn how to better communicate, but it might not solve the problem that caused a disagreement in the first place, especially if the problem involves money. So because money is a leading cause of stress in relationships, couples may want to consider money counseling before heading to a marriage counselor.
Nearly three-quarters (opens in new tab) of all Americans experience some kind of financial stress, according to the American Psychological Association. When you are in a relationship with a partner who has different views or values about money, this stress can become further exacerbated.
Throughout my years in the financial services industry, I have noticed that money counseling and marriage counseling often go hand in hand. One of my good friends, Leslie Webb, is a psychologist and will frequently send me her clients to help them budget and examine other underlying financial issues that may be causing their relationship stress.
Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free E-Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
To put it simply, in her own words, “If these financial issues don’t come to light, the marriage is doomed.”
So, how do you know if your problems are money related? It is not always obvious whether you need marriage counseling or money counseling but, here are some common warning signs that your relationship might be in financial trouble:
1. One partner handles the money, while the other wants nothing to do with it.
When it comes to managing household finances, both partners should be involved, or at least be aware of where money is being spent. Leslie and I are both currently experiencing an epidemic of clients who have mentioned that, within their relationships, one partner manages the finances and the other never looks into what he or she is doing. Societally, we used to view men as being responsible for a couple’s finances, but this is no longer the case. Both partners should have a role in managing money.
2. You have separate bank accounts.
If you both want to keep an eye on your money, separate bank accounts might seem like a good idea, but they can actually cause a lot of financial stress in a relationship. Managing money should be a joint effort, and separate accounts do not allow you to work together as well. Having separate accounts can lead to one partner hiding expenses or debts from another and can create animosity, because there is usually going to be judgment against how one partner is spending.
3. You have different values about spending and saving.
Just like religion and politics, it’s important for couples to have similar values when it comes to money. This is something that’s often overlooked in the early stages of a relationship, but it tends to surface and cause tension later on. Before getting serious, it’s important for couples to talk in detail about what kinds of budgets and savings they have. These conversations are sometimes uncomfortable, so many people avoid them. “I think you should show copies of tax returns,” Leslie recommends. “This is rarely done and can make people uncomfortable, but it’s a great step in really getting honest about your finances.” It is also a good idea to talk about how your families handled finances when you were growing up. Because, more often than not, as people age and start taking more responsibility for their finances, they start doing things just like their families did.
4. You have different socioeconomic backgrounds.
Having a different socioeconomic background than your spouse can cause more issues than you might think, because you’re likely used to handling and thinking about money differently. For example, someone from a wealthier background might not be used to worrying about money, while someone who grew up in a lower-income household might be more accustomed to saving, or might carry some debt. Money is power, especially in relationships. While it’s not necessary to date within your own socioeconomic status, it is important to have open and honest conversations about how you view money. This is especially true if one partner makes more than the other. Even if the intention is to be equal, the person bringing in more income is inherently more powerful.
5. You have different views on debt.
This is something my wife and I have had to work through. You should always be honest with your partner about how much debt you have, but it’s also important to be on the same page with how much debt you’re comfortable accumulating. For example, my wife and I came from pretty different backgrounds. I was raised by two business owners who often took risks with their money and had debt. My wife was raised by two employees, so she was much more accustomed to having a steady stream of income. Especially if one or both of you has large-scale debt, you need to be on the same page about how to manage it and eventually pay it back.
So, how can couples with money issues get back on track? If you’re looking to do it yourself, David Ramsey (opens in new tab) has great resources, and Leslie and I both recommend him to our clients. If there are bigger issues, I would recommend seeing a financial planner. Just like with marriage counseling, it sometimes takes a third point of view to resolve issues in a relationship. A good financial adviser can help you achieve that balance in your bank account and in your personal life.
Marriage and Money, 101
Ash Toumayants is the founder of Strong Tower Associates, (opens in new tab) a Retirement Planning firm dedicated to helping clients in all stages of life prepare for retirement. For over a decade, he has helped hard-working people across Central Pennsylvania prepare for retirement. Investment Advisory Services offered through Retirement Wealth Advisors, (RWA) a Registered Investment Advisor. Strong Tower Associates and RWA are not affiliated.
This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.
Investment Advisory Services offered through Retirement Wealth Advisors, (RWA) a Registered Investment Advisor. Strong Tower Associates and RWA are not affiliated.
-
-
JetBlue's TrueBlue Loyalty Program Now Gives Perks to Infrequent Flyers
JetBlue's TrueBlue loyalty program added new tiles and Mosaic levels to offers more ways for casual travelers to earn perks more regularly.
By Collette Reitz • Published
-
Why Used Car Prices Are Rising After Months of Declines
The CPI report showed used car prices went up. Here's what happened.
By Ben Demers • Published
-
Preparing for the Next Recession: Six Considerations for Retirees
Being more disciplined and risk averse in the good times can make it easier to weather the bad times when they inevitably arrive.
By Craig Kirsner, Investment Adviser Representative • Published
-
Finances Aside, What Does a Happy Retirement Look Like?
Three examples of retirees show what it means to thrive in retirement. The common denominators provide clues on how to swing your own happy retirement.
By Dennis D. Coughlin, CFP, AIF • Published
-
Will You Pay Higher Taxes in Retirement?
Your Social Security income and RMDs will most likely combine to deliver a tax torpedo, but there are ways to reduce your income in retirement to pay less tax.
By Joe F. Schmitz Jr., CFP®, ChFC® • Published
-
Inherited Retirement Plan? How to Easily Understand Payout Rules
Figuring out first which kind of beneficiary you are will make it easier to grasp the rules and timing on required distributions.
By Mike Piershale, ChFC • Published
-
For Financial Planning Success Now, Start by Looking at the Past
Certain beliefs could be impeding your financial planning, and learning what those are begins with exploring your money-related memories.
By Jamie P. Hopkins, Esq., CFP, RICP • Published
-
How Summer Internship Offers Can Go Awry
A student’s personal essay after landing an internship raised a red flag to this business owner that the student wasn’t ready for the responsibility required.
By H. Dennis Beaver, Esq. • Published
-
How Can Women Worried About Retirement Stay on Track?
Developing a resilient long-term plan is more important than ever as more women fear being blindsided by outside events despite doing all the right things.
By Kristi Martin Rodriguez • Published
-
How to Find Fixed Indexed Annuities That Work for You
No two annuities are the same, and fixed indexed annuities have exploded in popularity. Here are some tips to keep in mind when looking for a good FIA.
By Bradley Rosen • Published